


A Life of Poetry

by Zephyr_H_chaotic



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anger, Angry Rants, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Chapter Three is about Merlin, Check The Chapter Notes, Check chapter notes for occasional tws, Creepy vibes, Dear World, Dogs, Eerie, Emotions, Hate, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Inspired by Real Events, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, People matter, Poetry, Reality, Reality is Depressing, References to Depression, Regret, Some of these are just rants tbh, Superstition, The Dark, Trust, Wishful Thinking, chapter twelve is the creepiest so far, dislike, forget
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 22:53:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20647007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zephyr_H_chaotic/pseuds/Zephyr_H_chaotic
Summary: And so the day slipped and I faded away





	1. The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> December 8, 2018

I like the dark

When words are painted colors

locked in places I can't see

Telling tales of bedtime stories

and hushed midnight laughter

I like the dark

when I'm surrounded by warmth and comfort

sharing stories and distant dreams

Accompanied by friends and fire

we'd tell our tales of long gone days

and feelings unexplained

I don't like the dark

When I'm alone and someplace new

With an endless shadow always close

on the wall and in my closet

Who knows what it will do?

I don't like the dark

When I'm outside, cold and wet

My shadow's dripping and stiff

Something sinister is near

I don't like the dark

Because suddenly

That shadow's not my own


	2. People Matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> February 16, 2018

A feeling locked away so deep

Seldom few will see it

Even I don't know

What this deep dark thing inside me is

It's strong yet empty

Hateful and kind

Doesn't matter if I'm alone or not

_"They're just people, they don't matter." _

They whisper to me, day and night

People matter

_"That one matters, she's like us." _

See, sometimes the voices are right

_"You'll end up alone." _

But right now I'm not

'Cause I have three good friends

Confident, strong, encouraging

I can learn from them

I'm not alone

_"They don't-" _

They do matter

People matter.


	3. Terrible Burden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> August 16, 2017

A powerful man

With a terrible burden

A life of magic, fillled with fear

The King of all

A loyal servent

A long friendship

of insults and compassion

He started with nothing

And lost everything

What a terrible burden

To have to wait for something

Someone

that may not come

Who spent so long fearing

What he could not understand

The one who spent his last breath

_"Thank_ _you."_

Finally understanding

A powerful man

With a terrible burden

A life of technology

And grim uncertainty

What a terrible burden

to have to wait for something

Someone

who may not come


	4. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> August 31, 2017

Trust is a fragile thing, a two-way street

It's a highway

A paved boulevard

A country road

A woodland trail

It's a dangerous thing;

A zip line

A rock-climbing harness

A gun

It takes a lot to maintain trust

You communicate

You understand each other

It's being able to text them at 3 AM

It's walking in unannounced

It's hours of just _talking_

About anything, about everything

So, fair warning to all;

Don't you dare think you can earn my trust

And then walk all over me

Don't use me

I am not a welcome mat

I am not a vending machine

I am human

I have feelings

You may not see it,

You may not hear it,

But I will destroy you.

I will take what is mine and I will leave.

You won't notice until it's too late

You will realize I have disappeared

You will think back

_When did this happen?_

_What have I done?_

Then you will chase after me

Demand that I return to your life

You think I will want to stay

How can I stay with someone who does not see me as a "them"

But as an "it"?

Something that will always give

Something for entertainment

Well, I have news for you

I will cut myself from your life

I will defend myself

I will attack you if you threaten me

I will break out of the prison you have built around me

You will look at the rubble and think

_Dear god, how did they do that?_

I cannot be held

I will burn your life to ashes if I have to

Because trust is a two-way street

And you crashed a long time ago.


	5. Not All Men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> November 29, 2017
> 
> PLEASE READ  
There's a few things about this one i want to address:  
1\. TW: mentiones of rape and molestation. Nothing graphic, just mentions. Please be careful anyways  
2\. I wrote this before i came out as nonbinary, hence the use of "we"  
3\. This is written specifically about girls, but i realize that this problem is far more extensive than one gender. I see you. This is about you too, no matter your gender. I see you and i support you.  
4\. On a similar note, i realize that not all rapists and molesters are men. There are female rapists too. There are nonbinary rapists too. Rapists arent confined to one gender either. This isnt meant to attack one gender, its meant to attack the actual rapists and the supporters of rapists

The first thing women learn is that if a boy hurts you, it's just because he likes you. 

The second thing women learn is "boys will be boys!" and we mustn't complain. 

The third thing we learn is that we are a distraction. Always cover up your shoulders and knees, god forbid they see a bra-strap! 

The fourth thing we learn is that men are superior, and they must always get what they want.

The fifth thing we learn is to keep our mouths shut. We know nothing. We are just moody objects, and the moment we defy them, we have silently agreed to be called "bitch", "attention whore", and get told we're just emotional because we're probably on our periods. 

And yet, if we even hint at insulting them, they have a meltdown. 

We learn that we are nothing compared to men. 

We are their entertainment, their slaves, their . . . _things_. 

What we learn from an early age is how to protect ourselves, how to protect each other. 

Pepper spray 

Don't make eye contact 

Cross the street and find a group of girls 

_ Are you okay? _

_ I think he's following me_

We learn that if we get raped or molested, it doesn't matter if we're wearing pants and long sleeves or booty shorts and highheels. It's still our fault. 

We should have worn less provoking clothes 

We should have fought back 

We should have said no 

We should have told someone

_We did. _

_ We did, and you didn't do a damn thing about it. _

Here's to the girls who can't close their eyes without feeling invaded 

Here's to the girls who are afraid to walk alone, even in broad daylight 

Here's to being sent home to change, because education obviously isn't as important as they say 

Here's to being told _over_ and _over_ that we clearly want it. 

Because society listens more to the clothes I wear than the words I speak, the words I yell and scream to their face. 

"It's your fault!" 

Yes, it's our own goddamn fault we're treated like objects instead of humans 

"Not all men!" 

No, not all men. But enough men.


	6. Alternate Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> December 19, 2017

We all want our alternate universe. 

She imagines a world with that perfect book and perfect spot. 

He imagines a world with that perfect island that doesn't exist here, with his favorite, perfect person and perfect pet. 

They are imagining a perfect world with perfect people and perfect systems... 

And so am I. 

I imagine an alternate universe where "sexism" is foreign word, hated and despised. 

I imgaine an alternate universe where racism was abolished hundreds of years ago, not forgotten, but not repeated. 

I yearn for a world where homophobia is a frightening fairy-tale, read to kids at night before bed. 

I yearn for a world where human rights is a must and equality is always. 

We imagine alternate universes because our reality is far too dystopian. 

That perfect book doesn't exist. 

That perfect island and perfect person and perfect pet doesn't exist. 

Perfect people and perfect systems aren't real 

Have you seen the news lately? 

We live in a dystopian world where "sexism" is treated like a swear word, hated and despised. Men don't like it because they're the reason we have that word, women hate it because it could get them killed. 

People say racism was abolished hundreds of years ago when slavery was declared unconstitutional, but they forget that this isn't just about black people. This is about the girl who said to me, "I can make those jokes, I'm black." after making an Asian joke. This is about people being mocked and beat up just because their skin isn't white. 

This is a world where homophobia is a frightening newsfeed, read by scared teenagers at night before bed. A horrifyingly real story about muder, abuse, and disownment. It's a story about people who still think love isn't okay. 

This is a world where human rights is a maybe and equality is preposterous. Where you're only treated human if you follow a strict, double-standard critia meant for your "assigned gender". Where equality is a pay gap, where equality is male over female, where I'm not strong enough, where they need to "pick a fucking gender, for god's sake!" Equality is where we worry more about keeping men's dicks hard then we do about the women and girls being attacked with acid. 

We live in a dystopian world with horrors to last a millennium. 

Can you blame us for imagining an alternate universe?


	7. Robot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May 19, 2018
> 
> Ive been debating on whether or not i should publish this. I decided i should because i know other people have felt like this, and maybe it will help spread awareness.   
PLEASE NOTE that this is more of a jumble of anon quotes i found on i Instagram. I just added more sentences to make things flow more smoothly  
This represents what i feel on a particularly bad mental day

There are some days 

Where nothing seems to make sense 

Words are warbled and uncertain 

Movements are blurred and robotic 

Nothing is wrong 

But nothing is right, either 

Am I alive 

Or just breathing? 

I just feel so _empty_

Most of who I was is dead. 

They dance upon my grave 

Singing songs of beauty and praise 

From what's beyond 

They watch, disparingly silent 

They used to send flowers of hope 

A small glimmer of light in the dark 

But the roses of wilted 

The violets are dead 

And now the demons run free inside my head 

Why am I here? 

I am not good enough for anybody 

I am replacable 

I am nothing special 

Just a gray man, flittering in the corner of your eye 

You don't know how much I hate myself 

Maybe you do 

But you just don't care. 

It's okay 

I'm used to being alone now 

My life is slow and meaningless 

A single drop in a wide sea of water 

I feel as though there is no one to be with 

Not a soul to relate to 

Not a soul to depend on

There are some days 

Where nothing seems to make sense 

Words are warbled and uncertain 

Movements are blurred and robotic 

Nothing is wrong 

But nothing is right, either 

Am I alive? 

No.

I am just breathing.


	8. During an Anxiety Attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> September 7, 2018
> 
> I wrote most of this during an anxiety attack I had, and then finished it once I had calmed down. I know some people don't understand what it's like, so I hope this clarifies it a bit. Do understand that everyone's is a little different, and everyone has different kinds of attacks. For me, this one was one my more severe ones. Most of the time, I'm able to go about as normal while having one, but sometimes I just can't function until it's passed. 

Everything is just building, building, building, and I feel like I might explode. 

My hands feel shakey but they hold steady, and my chest screams for breath that I can't seem to draw. 

My mouth wants to yawn, to _scream_, but I can't. 

For a moment, I feel that I'm going to cave and cry, but I hold together. Mere cracks in a groaning structure. 

My body tells me to cry, to be rid of these . . . these _feelings_ that plague me, but I just can't. 

I tell myself, _No, I can't do that. I have to be strong because what else am I if not tough?_ Breakable. 

I am something to be broken and dropped. 

My heart pounds against my throat, and I consider vomiting. I never can. 

My hands, though steady and calm, are clenched until it's painful, and I can't help but scrunch up my face for just a moment, just long enough to compose myself. 

I force myself to take slow breaths, but they inevitably speed up, until I can't control them anymore. 

And suddenly I am crying. Silently, they slowly slide down, like wounded soldiers from a war. Becuase I fight back every second because_ I should be stronger than this, what is wrong with me? _

My arms are folded over my face, my hands now grasping my hair. I sit, hunched over, waiting--_praying_ that this will end soon. 

And then it is over, leaving me feeling numb and still, feeling the tears crystalize on my face.


	9. Dear World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> November 27, 2017

Dear world,

I am still young. Please don't judge me so harshly.

Dear world,

I don't know who I am yet, but I know enough to make my own choices. Yes, I am young, but I am not a child. I know right from wrong, just like you.

Dear world,

Why am I expected to act eighteen when I am barely fifteen years old? Why do you accuse us teenagers of laziness and ignoring world news when we have more civilized conversations about rape, murder, debt, war, sexism, and homophobia than you adults ever will? Why do you demonize love, why do you dehumanize us?_ Why are you so insistent on demolishing anything and everything that is different from you, even if it is human?_ Why does it matter if they prefer they/them pronouns? Why does it matter if she was born a boy, if he used to be she?

Dear world,

Where did we fuck up? You say "stick to the old traditions!" But the old traditions are about seven wives, hundreds of slaves, stoning women and outlawing divorce. The old tradition is about an eye for an eye.

Dear world,

If you want old traditions, you can bet your ass we'll give it to you. Eye for an eye. You have beat us, killed us, caged us, and enslaved us. We can only take so much before we snap.

Dear world,

I know what you will say.

"But same-sex marriage is legal in lots of places!" What about where it isn't? Right now, there are hundreds of people being told to "be yourself!", but if they do that, they'll get killed. We will not rest until they're safe.

Dear world,

It's time to let go. It's time for you to realize that we are humans, just like you. It's time to realize that the LGBTQ+ Community will not stop fighting until I, a nonbinary afab teenager, can kiss another girl without being told that I "just haven't found the right boy yet."

We won't stop until he, a grown man, can hold his husband's hand without hearing people say "not in front of the kids!" Not until John can feel safe telling people to call her Alica, not until kids are no longer being kicked out of their homes for being bisexual, not until we are _safe_.

Dear world,

We may be young, but we have aged more than you ever will.

Dear world,

It's time to grow up.


	10. I'd Hate to Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> September 14, 2019

I hate that there's people I can't forget 

I hate that there's places that feel like a net

They're decieving and tricky

At first you think, "Look at all those holes, surely I can swim through!"

But then you try

And try

And try

And you just can't stay true

It tightens and tightens

Twists and pulls

And leaves you stuck and panicked

With every twist and turn

The panic grows

You think of all the things--

_"God, I'd rather just forget"_

I hate that there's people I can't forget

I hate that there's songs that act like knives 

So helpful and dangerous

(Just like you)

The sweet melodies, like the shine of silver

Cover the sharpness of words so familiar

Into me they cut the trills and whines of memories

Once bright and joyful

Now tainted blue

I hate there's people I want to forget

I hate how there's things that I regret

Like conversations of wasted time

Now who's opinion--

_It wasn't mine _

I hate that you watered these ideas in my head

I hate how much I think of what you said

I hate how I thought I knew what this was

It isn't truly hate

It's the quiet truths of long-gone trust

It's miscommunication born from assumptions of disgust 

Boiled and shaken into dislike

I hate how I cant think of you

Without not wanting to think at all

You've made me doubt our past

You were a blessing gone wrong

I hate that I want to forget you


	11. Short Quotes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is where i will put all my small quotes that arent big enough for their own chapter.  
My earlier ones arent dated since ive only started doing that in the last year or so
> 
> Will be updated as I think of more short quotes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ  
As far as i can remember, all of these are mine. If you recognize something from someone else, p l e a s e feel free to comment below. Chances are i accidentally stole it, or i got inspiration from it and didnt realize it. The internet is a big place and its easy to think of something thats already been done
> 
> THAT BEING SAID  
There is always a chance that i accidentally copied someone, which i dont want to do. So if you are concerned that i copied someone, dont be afraid to let me know. We'll figure out if i did or not, and if i did, I will gladly take it down.

•And I sit here, beaten bloody and trapped in my own head

•If your emotions were electricity you could prower the entire would.

If your anger was lightening there would be a storm without end.

If your wit was pounding waves the world would be swept away.

If your bitterness was the cold winter wind there would be no summer.

•He hid a grin as he struck a nerve. "What about dear ol' Nani, then? Wouldn't you rather have her take the fall? You wouldn't have a thing to worry about except Heaven and Hell."

•Anger. Fear. Sadness. Joy. Leaves falling. Rain hitting my face. Children crying. Cars honking. It's so overwhelming every time. I cant-- I cant think.

Saltwater on my tongue. Charcoal on her face, the bitter taste of coffee in the morning. The shuddering breath after being doused in cold water. I cant breath, I cant--

Doors creaking, light breaking through a dark room. People yelling, sirens screaming, blood-blood-blood--

Syrup on my hands, ribs sore from laughter....

This is what it's like to kill a man.

•"You shouldnt do [x]"

"you shouldnt tell me to follow the rules of a game i dont play" (031419)

•"am i healing, or just not going down anymore? am i swimming, or just not sinking?" (040819)

•last year i was a mere shadow of who i used to be. Then i got better . . . Until recently. What used to be the color of flesh now looks empty and translucent. The shadows have returned and im not sure whats blocking the light.(061319)

•if you cant accept my answer, then you dont deserve to hear it. (062419)

•"i cant be your crutch if doing so brings my mental health down. This crutch has its own weight to carry, and its about to break." (070119)

•"But to deny the gift of a witch is to deny the gift of life." (071019)

•The sky is so pretty, all dark and glittering.

The stars of old spur my thoughts, lightened only by a battered moon. 

Thoughts, equally dark and battered, swirl like the milky way, patterned and colored so carefully  
(031820)


	12. Dogs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on actual events that happened at 4:40-4:43 on the morning of posting this chapter.

The dogs in my neighborhood never bark

Even when the coyotes yip and the raccoons rustle the bushes and knock cans together

The dogs in my neighborhood never bark

Even when the lady down the street screamed at her husband at one in the morning for three nights straight and the kids a road over stumbled their way loudly through

The dogs in my neighborhood never bark . . .

Until this week, when the ones two houses over started barking at four in the morning

It unnerved me, so I shut my window, just in case

I'm not superstitious, but the window, after all, is right next to the roof

The dogs in my neighborhood never bark

  
Until this week . . . I thought it was a one-time thing

But it happened again the next night

So I paused my music, shut the window, turned off my lights, and listened

After all, the dogs never bark, so what have they got to say?

Now every night, like clockwork; four o'clock comes, the dogs bark

I close the window, turn off the lights, silence the music, and wait

and listen

until the dogs stop, the crickets are heard, and everything returns to normal

Except for tonight

As I sat and wrote this, the cry of the dogs tells me the time, and I get up

close the window

shut off the lights

and keep writing

And as I write about the window

There comes a _sccrtch-sssscrtch-sccrtchh _

Not at the window, not quite

But just . . . _slightly_ to the right, on the wall

Right where my room meets the roof

a quiet warning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the moment, it was terrifying. This did actually happen, as i was writing this at 440 in the morning, there was a sudden scratching on my wall from outside. 
> 
> The sound was positioned is right on the roof (which ends about a foot to the right of my window). It is EXTREMELY likely that it was caused by an animal, and just had terrifyingly coincidental timing. 
> 
> In the moment, however, my mind immediately jumped to Skinwalker or some other creature, so i said fuck it and stopped writing. It's now after 7 AM and the suns up, which is why im now finishing and posting it.


End file.
